moonlight and roses? nah

Now see – this is why I don’t do dates, or try to get involved with anyone romantically


I had a date on Sunday night – was a little out of the blue and I was really hesitant about saying yes, but it took me surprise, sort of

I saw the profile of someone who goes to my gym online and thought I’d say hi – I thought he was cute, but am always on the lookout for new friends, so primarily thought it’d be nice to get chatting to someone who workouts at the same place
When he replied, the conversation turned quite flirty – which I’m not complaining about, he’s a sexy looking guy
Then after chatting for a while he asked me to call him, which I did – we chatted for about half an hour then I got off (bloody pay as you go phones grrrrr)
I noticed he was online again on the Sunday evening so said hullo – he asked me to call again, so I said “you call me, I’ve run out of credit” (embarrassingly) – he then asked my number, which I have to say got alarm bells ringing – I’d spent half an hour on the phone with him the night before, even if he hadn’t stored my number it surely must still be in his call register

Now here I’m going to digress a little – I have this sixth sense when it comes to people who appear to be interested in me
I suppose you could just say I don’t trust anyone – it’d be understandable – but I do, I just wait for them to prove to me that I can’t trust them and, invariably, they do
It’s little things that I pick up on that mean I’m not really of that much concern to them – like, for example, the fact this guy couldn’t even be bothered to check his phone for my number from the night before
I can smell a lie a mile off and it’s alarming how often I smell them
And I can pretty much predict the way most encounters will end – now the smug amongst you will be thinking “hmmmmm self-fulfilling prophecy”, but I don’t accept that – I’m very careful about how I play things – I make sure I’m charm itself on a date, and (on the rare occasions I have them) I make sure I play them all differently
When it comes to sex, I have no complaints – if I end up having sex with someone after a date, it’s normally pretty good – of course the trouble is with men is that while their balls are full, everything is wonderful – as soon as they’re emptied this sense of guilt, boredom, tiredness or whatever the accompanying feeling is sets in – and that’s when it all goes pear shaped


Anyway – back to the original story – I gave him my number and he called – we chatted for a while and then he asked if I fancied going over to his for a coffee – now by this time I’d already settled in and eaten my way through a plate of bread rolls and 2 cakes, so was feeling a bit fat and lethargic, but against my better judgement said, yes I’d love to – plus it’d give me a chance to work off the crap I’d eaten by cycling over to his place
Then he said why didn’t we go for something to eat – a lovely idea, but let’s wait a couple of hours for my cake to go down!
We met up – he was sweet – we went for a meal – lovely – everything was perfect – even the part when I plucked up the courage to tell him my status - deep breath – drop it in – he was too!! Excellent! That’s always such a relief

The meal was lovely – thought we didn’t actually eat much – I think I was still bloated from all the rubbish I’d eaten earlier – then we headed back to his – it was my intention just to get my bike and come home – I never make the assumption that we’ll have sex on a first date – mostly because, I’ve dropped the HIV bombshell and like to give them chance to digest that and see where they want to take things – but obviously that wasn’t an issue here
We sat and chatted a little on the return to his apartment and then began to kiss – needless to say we ended up in the bedroom
The sex was lovely – for many years sex has been a real chore for me. Years of taking all kinds of recreational drugs had turned it into a kind of marathon event that needed to be endured rather that just enjoyed – but now having, hopefully, got drugs out of my system I was starting to enjoy the intimacy of it all a bit more
It was unfortunate that I felt so bloated though – although it was lovely, I don’t generally like having sex after I’ve eaten as I always feel like my stomach is going to explode – and, frankly, was terrified of farting all the way through
Anyway ...
After we’d finished it was getting on for 1145pm and he’d already told me he had to be up for 430am – he was a flight attendant and had a week of early flights ahead of him – and he said he’d like me to stay
Now – had I realised I was going to be staying out I would’ve prepared for it, but I hadn’t left any food for the cats so really had to come back to feed them – also I would never have slept that first night in a strange bed KNOWING that I’d have to cycle back home at 430 in the morning – so I said, that I would love to, but really had to get back – I did explain why and that I would love to stay over next time, if he wanted there to be a next time – I certainly did – he said he did too (oh boy, they’ll say anything won’t they? )
Anyway – the next day, I’d hoped to hear from him – I’d had a lovely time and hoped he had too – I didn’t, but was determined not to message him as I’d, so far, done all the running – I didn’t hear from him, although I did see he was online at the same time as me and was a little hurt that he didn’t say hullo
The following day, it rained, we’re in the middle of a really hot, sunny spell at the minute so it was a stark contrast from the weekend – I knew he was flying to Spain that morning so sent a text saying, quite cutely I thought “bring some sun back with you please xx”
That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from him – although he keeps logging on – I can’t bring myself to message him anymore, because even if we do meet up again, I’ll feel it’s just because he feels pressured into it
Needless to say, in the beginning I wasn’t that bothered, but as there now seems to clearly be no interest on his part, I’m hurt – I’m weird!!

Couple of interesting things that came out of this liaison

1) Turns out that he’s going to be flight attendant on our flight to gran canaria in 3 weeks – so that won’t be awkward at all!!
2) He spent a lot of time talking about his ex partner – which was fine, I was quite happy to hear about him – until, partway through the conversation, I realised that I knew his ex – in quite an intimate way – he’d (on more than one occasion) been one of the marathons I’d endured whilst on recreational drugs
And when that comes out – that won’t be awkward either!!


Why is nothing ever simple??

During the course of the conversation it came out that he was best friends with a good friend of a friend of mine, so it turned out we had someone in common (apart from the sleazy exboyfriend that is)
Completely out of the blue this friend of MINE called last night, so I mentioned that we’d been for a meal – for some reason this seemed to be a green light for him to tell me all kinds of personal (and not very pleasant) things about the guy – I asked him to stop, but clearly he thought I was joking as he carried on anyway
Now if ANY of those things he said were true (and I really wish I hadn’t heard them) it only confirms to me that I was just a dalliance for the evening
I’d been beating myself up, thinking I should’ve stayed the night and things would’ve been different
When really it turns out that I’m a) not rich and b) not a black man with a big cock!!!
I don’t think what my friend told me was anything more than malicious gossip, but it does add another dimension to the myriad of reasons as to why he’s not bothered to get back in touch with me

I can console myself with the certain knowledge that, had this relationship gone any further, I would’ve ballsed it up anyway

So who needs it? Certainly not him clearly – and not me...........honestly!

go away!!!

Why do i always start to resent people i like?

I think this is patently why i can never have a successful relationship – as soon as i start to really care for them, they always start to piss me off

It’s not them – they don’t change and they’re still as lovely as they were when i fell for them

But something just happens where even the sight of them gets on my nerves

I hate it

Because i know they’re really special and i love them, but apart from the odd glimpse i can’t show them – i just end up making them dislike me and pushing them away

i grew up in an environment where the only “loving” couples fought with each other all the time – it wasn’t until i was in my late 30’s that i realised this was because they couldn’t stand each other and were trapped in loveless marriages – but until that point i genuinely thought that if you really loved someone, you fought with them and put them down to other people

i have no concept of what it’s like to be in a supportive, loving relationship – the few relationships i have had, have been with people who are so self centred and difficult to love that MY concept of love has been appropriate (though my best friend in the world started out by being a partner that was very difficult to have a relationship with – now he’s my only family and i wouldn’t be without him)

all my close friends live many miles away – now i never think that was the intention – i don’t ACTUALLY believe that i caused them to run screaming to the hills in an attempt to escape me

but i also don’t believe it’s an accident

maybe it’s easier for me to maintain my love and respect for people when they live far away – so there’s no danger of me getting too close to them and destroying everything

i get really sensitive as well – i’m very good at taking the mickey out of other people and can be quite vicious sometimes, in the pursuit of a “comedy moment” – but i can’t take it

i get really resentful if someone has a comeback for me – or, even worse, they make a joke at my expense

i think a lot of people who have specific hang-ups about themselves will joke about the things they’re most bothered by – but that, of course, invites others to joke about the same thing

it doesn’t matter how much i explain to some people that it really, REALLY hurts when they joke about my eating habits and my size - it doesn’t seem to stop them!
Of course, it’s ok for me to do it to them
I’m not completely insensitive – i’m really not – but the trouble is, i’m more sensitive with people i know less – if i’ve known someone for a while and actually CARE about them, then they’re fair game

I recognise this in myself, but don’t know how to stop myself doing it

People think i’m lovely when they first get to know me – then my “nasty” side slowly comes out

Underneath i just want to be able to fully relax and trust someone and be able to have nothing but good feeling towards them – and i want someone to feel like that with me – perhaps that’s love – i’ve never experienced it if it is

Maybe it’s waiting somewhere for me

Maybe if someone proves to me they are worthy of my love and trust, the desire to hurt them will dissipate

Maybe it’s not ALL my fault – but right now, it feels like it is and always has been!





Diet went great til about 7pm – then remembered the multipack of crisps in the kitchen cupboard – god help me!

still fat!!

forgot to say - still struggling with trying to eat healthily

managing up to a point, but still fat!! grrrrr

i made a huge vat of fresh vegetable soup yesterday with the intention of eating just that for the next 3 weeks, but got sidetracked by a bag of beef and onion crisps and 4 tubs of muller rice

it's hard when you have a disorder!!!!!!

keep it up!!!

Am i getting bored of doing this blog? quite possibly

I never stick at anything – another legacy from my childhood i think – i can clearly hear “oh that’ll be a five minute wonder, he never sticks at anything, it’ll be something else next week”

Well – again – self-fulfilling prophecy (is that what that is ? )

Anyway – i do seem to be really keen on things for a while then give them up

The one thing i thought i’d do forever was acting – i was passionate about it, just not confident enough to make a decent career out of it

I believed i was good, but completely unable to sell myself – or indeed to convince other people to sell me

I had a succession of agents who just took me on and left me on their desk, rarely submitting me for anything – and my attempts at sorting that were always met with hostility and me being made to feel i was in the wrong – which is something i readily take on board about anything – i rarely argue, even if i’m sure i’m right about something, because the humiliation of being made to look stupid by someone who’s right purely by being the loudest person, is an unbearable feeling

Knowing i’m right is small recompense really

It took a long time for to give up on acting – when i got to 40 and realised that i was on my own and had to support myself, the realisation dawned that i needed to find a “proper” job for the rest of my life

I’ve no pension or savings, so i imagine it pretty much WILL be for the rest of my life

Right now – i’m in transition, shall we say? I’m between job s

The last one i lost due to blatant discrimination, but as i settled before tribunal with my ex-employers i’m not sure how much i can say here – actually, i’m not going to name them so what the heck:

When i was diagnosed HIV positive i took some time off work – i’ve already told you about the completely hysterical reaction i had to the news (eventually) – i was signed of with stress for 2 months – then as i was about to return i was informed by my consultant that i needed to start combination therapy which a) set me back a little in regard of the stress thing and b) meant i needed to take a few more weeks off as there was the possibility of having some pretty strong side effects

It was at this point the occupational health officer told me she couldn’t justify me being off any longer – though why she felt SHE had to justify it was beyond me – i told her that i would take the advice of my clinic and GP over her’ s any day and would remain off until i was sure i was settled on the meds – bluntly i told her that i had no intention of coming into work and finding i’d shat myself in front of my colleagues

Anyway, on my return to work i was informed that everyone’s contracts had been changed – and i was no longer a supervisor, but was being put back on the phones (sorry, i was a supervisor in a local call centre – can’t say which one obviously - i’d been there 5 years and enjoyed my job – i thought i’d found the thing i was going to do til i retired – big mistake!!!!)

Now there is a very long and tedious story relating to all this – but having lived through it and chewed over again and again i’m not going to bore you with all the details

Suffice it to say i took the company to tribunal for disability discrimination – i was sure to win as well, but settled just prior to the court date because i really couldn’t take any more stress and anxiety

It’s afford a few nice holidays, but i’m now at the point again where i’m worrying about what i’m going to do for the rest of my life

I recently had an interview for the local HIV charity here, for an office administrator – and although, apparently, it was a choice between me and one other candidate – the other candidate got it – rats!!!!

It really would’ve been the answer to my dreams – to find a job i enjoyed and was so capable of doing so soon after leaving the previous one (and with employers that fully understood my predicament) was too much to hope for it seemed

It has made me think about possible avenues to explore – i really would like to work in that area – i imagine that means considerable training in social care or social work – so at the moment that’s something i’m considering when i’m ready to get back into full time work

Of course, in ever stick at anything, so next week it’ll probably be something else – though what? I’ve no idea

I had very definite dreams and ambitions that left no room for anything else – everything else was NOT what i wanted to do – i didn’t give those dreams up lightly, but had to realise that to live a relatively normal life i had to walk away from them

I still maintain this vain hope that someone somewhere will discover me as a middle aged actor – unlikely though as i haven’t performed in at least 6 years – i think it’s called having the stuffing knocked out of you

I’m currently thinking about joining the Manchester gay and lesbian chorus – though even that terrifies me – and who knows, i may have given up on that idea by the time it comes to actually having to attend a meeting

Oooh – doctor who! There’s one thing i’ve never given up on – i loved it as a child and still love it now – i’m a complete doctor who geek and have a huge collection of books and memorabilia – there i can stick at something!!


It’s good to end on an optimistic note – maybe there’s hope for me yet!!!

father's day

well - father's day - what's that all about

i wonder what it would be like to have had a father i actually cared about

i suppose i did care once, when i was a little boy - when i used to love him and look up to him and be desperate for his love and approval

thankfully - i can barely remember that time - i've already ranted about my dad so i'm not going to waste anymore breath on him

i'm just wondering how i feel about a day like this - it's strange as it's never meant anything to me really - i suppose that all special days are marketed as big events nowadays, so they seem a bigger deal than they used to be

i was destined never to have children - i'm really pleased about that - maybe that would've been different if i'd've been born a girl - perhaps i'd be broody now, panicking about my body clock about to conk out completely at any minute

but i've met a lot of gay guys who nurse this ambition to become parents - parents? that's a laugh - thinking of a child as this season's "must have" - like diesel underpants or and i-pad

and i believe that - men don't have maternal instincts no matter how GAAAAAAAY they are!

and no amount of habitat nursery furniture is going to change that

though i do wonder, would my upbringing have been any better had i been given to gay parents?

well, male gay relationships are historically short-lived - but having said that, my mum went through divorce proceedings against my dad about 3 times during my childhood - each time calling it all of as it was about to go to court

so although my sister and i were never considered to have come from a "broken home", we were put through the agonies leading up to that on a regular basis

no wonder then that i have no faith in the longevity of ANY relationship - least of all a gay one between two men (i am a man and know that we're animals - we're driven by sex, certainly in our youth)

i think women bring an emotional level to a relationship that can't exist between two men - i think that's born out by the most longstanding relationships being, generally, straight or lesbian

so considering how i turned out - the idea of a child having to go through breakups and new "step-dads" or uncles fills me with horror

yes - i know that couples are vetted before they can foster or adopt - fostering, i'm all for - especially for older children who need someone understanding in their corner - someone non-judgemental and supportive - yes, that would've been wonderful
and in that vein, i guess adopting would work for the same reasons

but who vets people to actually become parents? gay or straight for that matter

so much talk of "let's find a willing lesbian and a turkey baster" - really scary!!

you're gay! you're not destined to have kids - deal with it!!

i may love you - i may think you're the best person in the world - but at the end of the day, accept your lot in life and don't think about forcing your desires (cos that's all they are) on some poor unsuspecting, as yet, unborn child


i will say at the end of all this - this isn't a rant - i'm not some kind of religious or political fundamentalist - these are just my opinions

i certainly wouldn't hate or argue with anyone that doesn't fit in with these views - i just would like to see people take responsibility for who they are and how they live their own life before trying to give a life and an upbringing to someone else

there's a lot of dysfunction in a gay relationship - that just goes with the territory - i'm not sure of the value of that on a new born child

oh god - that's what father's day has done to me - turned me into a rambling homo!!!


sorry

poetry in motion

fat fat go away,
don't come back - because i'm gay!!
there's nothing worse than wobbly hips
especially when i've had no chips
it's not as if i've kids to bear.
it's just not fair - i've got no hair!!!
don't you think that's bad enough
for a single, lonely, cat-loving, puff?



i feel like wordsworth sigh !!

how sweet!

My neighbour has just knocked on to see if i wanted a donut – apparently a girl she works with gets them for free from krispy kreme (what she has to do for them, i don’t know)

The long and the short of it is that i accepted a donut and it was a very lovely gesture

However that’s not how things work with me – now i’m sat here over-analysing the whole thing

First of all i took a while to answer the door – i wasn’t wearing a shirt and had to hunt around for one to put on – so did she think i was avoiding her?

Secondly when i answered the door, the first thing i noticed was that she was carrying a krispy kreme’s box – did that mean that that’s where my eyes were? Did she see that? Did i even look at her face? Was there dribble running down my chin??

“sorry,” i said “i had a shirt on!”
NO – “i had NO shirt on”
Oh god – how stupid!
What is it that turns me into a bumbling idiot when people i don’t know so well are talking to me ?
maybe it’s part of my tourette’s – or maybe i’m just socially inadequate

Then when she asked if i’d like a donut, did she notice my look of disappointment because she wasn’t going to give me the whole box?
At first i declined explaining, “I’m on a really strict diet right now, i’m going to gran canaria in 4 and a half weeks and have to get myself slim”
To which she replied, “oh so am i, just take one and put it in the fridge then have a little bit of it when you feel like it” – oh how little she knows me

So i accepted, because i didn’t want to hurt her feelings

Then she thanked me for bringing her wheelie bin in as the garbage truck had been today – it was nothing and i said so - so we had a little exchange about how we both on occasion forget the bins are out there and how terrible we are to leave them – oh how we laughed!!

Then as she was going i shouted after her, “ i won’t sleep tonight for guilt at having this donut and it’s all your fault” and then, what sounded a little too loud and gruff, “THANK YOU!”

I have no reason to assume that i have in any way hurt her feelings, but have sat here for a while now chewing it all over in my mind

Was i rude? Did i seem blinded by the fact there were donuts in a box on my doorstep (albeit in my neighbour’s hands)? Did she understand that i was joking with my final comment? She’s a really sweet girl and maybe she doesn’t get sarcasm – a lot of people don’t as i’ve found out to my cost!

So nothing’s ever simple – not even the idea of someone being kind enough to bring me a donut and me excepting it with thanks
I’m now sat here feeling guilty and going over every detail of our brief exchange on the doorstep and imagining what i should’ve done and said – and praying that i didn’t cause her any offence!

Anyway – the donut’s in the fridge

It’ll be stale by the time i get to it – i’m full of cottage cheese and low fat yogurt right now!!!