go away!!!

Why do i always start to resent people i like?

I think this is patently why i can never have a successful relationship – as soon as i start to really care for them, they always start to piss me off

It’s not them – they don’t change and they’re still as lovely as they were when i fell for them

But something just happens where even the sight of them gets on my nerves

I hate it

Because i know they’re really special and i love them, but apart from the odd glimpse i can’t show them – i just end up making them dislike me and pushing them away

i grew up in an environment where the only “loving” couples fought with each other all the time – it wasn’t until i was in my late 30’s that i realised this was because they couldn’t stand each other and were trapped in loveless marriages – but until that point i genuinely thought that if you really loved someone, you fought with them and put them down to other people

i have no concept of what it’s like to be in a supportive, loving relationship – the few relationships i have had, have been with people who are so self centred and difficult to love that MY concept of love has been appropriate (though my best friend in the world started out by being a partner that was very difficult to have a relationship with – now he’s my only family and i wouldn’t be without him)

all my close friends live many miles away – now i never think that was the intention – i don’t ACTUALLY believe that i caused them to run screaming to the hills in an attempt to escape me

but i also don’t believe it’s an accident

maybe it’s easier for me to maintain my love and respect for people when they live far away – so there’s no danger of me getting too close to them and destroying everything

i get really sensitive as well – i’m very good at taking the mickey out of other people and can be quite vicious sometimes, in the pursuit of a “comedy moment” – but i can’t take it

i get really resentful if someone has a comeback for me – or, even worse, they make a joke at my expense

i think a lot of people who have specific hang-ups about themselves will joke about the things they’re most bothered by – but that, of course, invites others to joke about the same thing

it doesn’t matter how much i explain to some people that it really, REALLY hurts when they joke about my eating habits and my size - it doesn’t seem to stop them!
Of course, it’s ok for me to do it to them
I’m not completely insensitive – i’m really not – but the trouble is, i’m more sensitive with people i know less – if i’ve known someone for a while and actually CARE about them, then they’re fair game

I recognise this in myself, but don’t know how to stop myself doing it

People think i’m lovely when they first get to know me – then my “nasty” side slowly comes out

Underneath i just want to be able to fully relax and trust someone and be able to have nothing but good feeling towards them – and i want someone to feel like that with me – perhaps that’s love – i’ve never experienced it if it is

Maybe it’s waiting somewhere for me

Maybe if someone proves to me they are worthy of my love and trust, the desire to hurt them will dissipate

Maybe it’s not ALL my fault – but right now, it feels like it is and always has been!





Diet went great til about 7pm – then remembered the multipack of crisps in the kitchen cupboard – god help me!