keep it up!!!

Am i getting bored of doing this blog? quite possibly

I never stick at anything – another legacy from my childhood i think – i can clearly hear “oh that’ll be a five minute wonder, he never sticks at anything, it’ll be something else next week”

Well – again – self-fulfilling prophecy (is that what that is ? )

Anyway – i do seem to be really keen on things for a while then give them up

The one thing i thought i’d do forever was acting – i was passionate about it, just not confident enough to make a decent career out of it

I believed i was good, but completely unable to sell myself – or indeed to convince other people to sell me

I had a succession of agents who just took me on and left me on their desk, rarely submitting me for anything – and my attempts at sorting that were always met with hostility and me being made to feel i was in the wrong – which is something i readily take on board about anything – i rarely argue, even if i’m sure i’m right about something, because the humiliation of being made to look stupid by someone who’s right purely by being the loudest person, is an unbearable feeling

Knowing i’m right is small recompense really

It took a long time for to give up on acting – when i got to 40 and realised that i was on my own and had to support myself, the realisation dawned that i needed to find a “proper” job for the rest of my life

I’ve no pension or savings, so i imagine it pretty much WILL be for the rest of my life

Right now – i’m in transition, shall we say? I’m between job s

The last one i lost due to blatant discrimination, but as i settled before tribunal with my ex-employers i’m not sure how much i can say here – actually, i’m not going to name them so what the heck:

When i was diagnosed HIV positive i took some time off work – i’ve already told you about the completely hysterical reaction i had to the news (eventually) – i was signed of with stress for 2 months – then as i was about to return i was informed by my consultant that i needed to start combination therapy which a) set me back a little in regard of the stress thing and b) meant i needed to take a few more weeks off as there was the possibility of having some pretty strong side effects

It was at this point the occupational health officer told me she couldn’t justify me being off any longer – though why she felt SHE had to justify it was beyond me – i told her that i would take the advice of my clinic and GP over her’ s any day and would remain off until i was sure i was settled on the meds – bluntly i told her that i had no intention of coming into work and finding i’d shat myself in front of my colleagues

Anyway, on my return to work i was informed that everyone’s contracts had been changed – and i was no longer a supervisor, but was being put back on the phones (sorry, i was a supervisor in a local call centre – can’t say which one obviously - i’d been there 5 years and enjoyed my job – i thought i’d found the thing i was going to do til i retired – big mistake!!!!)

Now there is a very long and tedious story relating to all this – but having lived through it and chewed over again and again i’m not going to bore you with all the details

Suffice it to say i took the company to tribunal for disability discrimination – i was sure to win as well, but settled just prior to the court date because i really couldn’t take any more stress and anxiety

It’s afford a few nice holidays, but i’m now at the point again where i’m worrying about what i’m going to do for the rest of my life

I recently had an interview for the local HIV charity here, for an office administrator – and although, apparently, it was a choice between me and one other candidate – the other candidate got it – rats!!!!

It really would’ve been the answer to my dreams – to find a job i enjoyed and was so capable of doing so soon after leaving the previous one (and with employers that fully understood my predicament) was too much to hope for it seemed

It has made me think about possible avenues to explore – i really would like to work in that area – i imagine that means considerable training in social care or social work – so at the moment that’s something i’m considering when i’m ready to get back into full time work

Of course, in ever stick at anything, so next week it’ll probably be something else – though what? I’ve no idea

I had very definite dreams and ambitions that left no room for anything else – everything else was NOT what i wanted to do – i didn’t give those dreams up lightly, but had to realise that to live a relatively normal life i had to walk away from them

I still maintain this vain hope that someone somewhere will discover me as a middle aged actor – unlikely though as i haven’t performed in at least 6 years – i think it’s called having the stuffing knocked out of you

I’m currently thinking about joining the Manchester gay and lesbian chorus – though even that terrifies me – and who knows, i may have given up on that idea by the time it comes to actually having to attend a meeting

Oooh – doctor who! There’s one thing i’ve never given up on – i loved it as a child and still love it now – i’m a complete doctor who geek and have a huge collection of books and memorabilia – there i can stick at something!!


It’s good to end on an optimistic note – maybe there’s hope for me yet!!!