Well! That quickly went from being a daily blog to a weekly one didn’t it?
I suspect before much longer it’ll become a monthly blog – but it’ll be so much richer for it ha ha
I don’t actually have too much to say right now – whenever i think of anything profound or witty i’m never near a computer to log it (not that it happens that often of course)
Anyway – in the last week i’ve been to the dentist – no work hoorah!!!!
I HATE the dentist – not personally, but just GOING to the dentist
As kids, our dentist never gave us injections to treat us – turns out it wasn’t standard practice (although i am getting on a bit so it was back in the 70’s), more that it cost more as my parents insisted on us having a private dentist back in a time when ANYONE could have NHS treatment – maybe the NHS didn’t give injections either – whatever the case – it HURRRRRRRRRRT!!
I remember clearly being chased round the surgery by my dentist after he’d announced i needed a filling – he got a kick in the groin too for his trouble – well i say groin. He was an INCREDIBLY fat man so i’m not sure he actually still HAD a groin – just a wobbly mass where the groin should be
I think that was a sign of his luxuriant lifestyle that came from being a private dentist – his house was pretty huge too i remember with great sprawling gardens maintained by a team of gardeners – GOD i wish i’d been sadistic enough to want to be a dentist – i’d be retired now and even fatter than i am!
Anyway – i didn’t have to have anything done this week
I’d made the appointment because i had some pain in the nerves round the top my teeth – but turns out i’ve brushed so hard over the years i’ve rubbed the gums away – bloody bugs bunny!! Apparently that’s not HOW you brush your teeth! Doc!
Mum always took us to the dentist and we always missed behaved because we hated it so much – so after the kicking the dentist episode i was informed that my dad would be taking me
I shat myself, now i was in real trouble – my dad always went to the dentist on his own because he didn’t want the hassle
Or so i believed
Turns out HE was as scared as i was !! THAT’S why he went on his own, so we didn’t see – didn’t make me feel any better, but i took comfort in the fact that he was feeling as much pain as i was
So you’re not all that Dad!!!
Ooh have had some acupuncture as well
I figured that if you can have it to help you stop smoking – then you must be able to have it to help you stop eating!
It was a strange experience – there i was laid out on the couch like a hedgehog, listening to tinkly Chinese music trying my hardest to relax – and not doing it very successfully
How do you DO that?? Relax, that is – as soon as someone tells me to do it, my body goes rigid – and although i’m laid there doing nothing – i’m just tense the whole time trying desperately to MAKE myself relax
Anyway –i’m prepared to give anything a go
I’ve currently got mustards seeds in my ears – so whenever i feel that i’m going to dive onto some junk food i search for the seed and twiddle it with my fingers
As you can imagine i’m twiddling like crazy – i’m surprised the seed hasn’t managed to find its way right through to the other side of my ear!
But i, sort of, think it might be working
I AM managing to keep my eating to mealtimes – AND eat quite sensibly
I bought some chocolate on Tuesday – two bars of aero – i reasoned that aero is mostly bubbles so therefore not as bad as normal chocolate- of course, that’s the reason for buying two bars – because you need twice as much of it to fill you up (fill you up! That’s a laugh!!)
Anyway – the point is – i went to the cupboard on Wednesday morning to get the oats out to make my normal porridge and noticed the bars still in there
I FORGOT there was chocolate in the cupboard!!! That has NEVER happened in my LIFE!! Before
In the weeks up to Christmas i bought various different tins of sweets and hid them in the wardrobe in the spare room so i didn’t open them before Christmas Day – i didn’t, but for weeks they just kept SCREAMING at me to open them – i never once forgot they were there!
So that’s good isn’t it?? That’s got to be a step forward
And what’s more – they’re STILL there!! (for now)
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
moonlight and roses? nah
Now see – this is why I don’t do dates, or try to get involved with anyone romantically
I had a date on Sunday night – was a little out of the blue and I was really hesitant about saying yes, but it took me surprise, sort of
I saw the profile of someone who goes to my gym online and thought I’d say hi – I thought he was cute, but am always on the lookout for new friends, so primarily thought it’d be nice to get chatting to someone who workouts at the same place
When he replied, the conversation turned quite flirty – which I’m not complaining about, he’s a sexy looking guy
Then after chatting for a while he asked me to call him, which I did – we chatted for about half an hour then I got off (bloody pay as you go phones grrrrr)
I noticed he was online again on the Sunday evening so said hullo – he asked me to call again, so I said “you call me, I’ve run out of credit” (embarrassingly) – he then asked my number, which I have to say got alarm bells ringing – I’d spent half an hour on the phone with him the night before, even if he hadn’t stored my number it surely must still be in his call register
Now here I’m going to digress a little – I have this sixth sense when it comes to people who appear to be interested in me
I suppose you could just say I don’t trust anyone – it’d be understandable – but I do, I just wait for them to prove to me that I can’t trust them and, invariably, they do
It’s little things that I pick up on that mean I’m not really of that much concern to them – like, for example, the fact this guy couldn’t even be bothered to check his phone for my number from the night before
I can smell a lie a mile off and it’s alarming how often I smell them
And I can pretty much predict the way most encounters will end – now the smug amongst you will be thinking “hmmmmm self-fulfilling prophecy”, but I don’t accept that – I’m very careful about how I play things – I make sure I’m charm itself on a date, and (on the rare occasions I have them) I make sure I play them all differently
When it comes to sex, I have no complaints – if I end up having sex with someone after a date, it’s normally pretty good – of course the trouble is with men is that while their balls are full, everything is wonderful – as soon as they’re emptied this sense of guilt, boredom, tiredness or whatever the accompanying feeling is sets in – and that’s when it all goes pear shaped
Anyway – back to the original story – I gave him my number and he called – we chatted for a while and then he asked if I fancied going over to his for a coffee – now by this time I’d already settled in and eaten my way through a plate of bread rolls and 2 cakes, so was feeling a bit fat and lethargic, but against my better judgement said, yes I’d love to – plus it’d give me a chance to work off the crap I’d eaten by cycling over to his place
Then he said why didn’t we go for something to eat – a lovely idea, but let’s wait a couple of hours for my cake to go down!
We met up – he was sweet – we went for a meal – lovely – everything was perfect – even the part when I plucked up the courage to tell him my status - deep breath – drop it in – he was too!! Excellent! That’s always such a relief
The meal was lovely – thought we didn’t actually eat much – I think I was still bloated from all the rubbish I’d eaten earlier – then we headed back to his – it was my intention just to get my bike and come home – I never make the assumption that we’ll have sex on a first date – mostly because, I’ve dropped the HIV bombshell and like to give them chance to digest that and see where they want to take things – but obviously that wasn’t an issue here
We sat and chatted a little on the return to his apartment and then began to kiss – needless to say we ended up in the bedroom
The sex was lovely – for many years sex has been a real chore for me. Years of taking all kinds of recreational drugs had turned it into a kind of marathon event that needed to be endured rather that just enjoyed – but now having, hopefully, got drugs out of my system I was starting to enjoy the intimacy of it all a bit more
It was unfortunate that I felt so bloated though – although it was lovely, I don’t generally like having sex after I’ve eaten as I always feel like my stomach is going to explode – and, frankly, was terrified of farting all the way through
Anyway ...
After we’d finished it was getting on for 1145pm and he’d already told me he had to be up for 430am – he was a flight attendant and had a week of early flights ahead of him – and he said he’d like me to stay
Now – had I realised I was going to be staying out I would’ve prepared for it, but I hadn’t left any food for the cats so really had to come back to feed them – also I would never have slept that first night in a strange bed KNOWING that I’d have to cycle back home at 430 in the morning – so I said, that I would love to, but really had to get back – I did explain why and that I would love to stay over next time, if he wanted there to be a next time – I certainly did – he said he did too (oh boy, they’ll say anything won’t they? )
Anyway – the next day, I’d hoped to hear from him – I’d had a lovely time and hoped he had too – I didn’t, but was determined not to message him as I’d, so far, done all the running – I didn’t hear from him, although I did see he was online at the same time as me and was a little hurt that he didn’t say hullo
The following day, it rained, we’re in the middle of a really hot, sunny spell at the minute so it was a stark contrast from the weekend – I knew he was flying to Spain that morning so sent a text saying, quite cutely I thought “bring some sun back with you please xx”
That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from him – although he keeps logging on – I can’t bring myself to message him anymore, because even if we do meet up again, I’ll feel it’s just because he feels pressured into it
Needless to say, in the beginning I wasn’t that bothered, but as there now seems to clearly be no interest on his part, I’m hurt – I’m weird!!
Couple of interesting things that came out of this liaison
1) Turns out that he’s going to be flight attendant on our flight to gran canaria in 3 weeks – so that won’t be awkward at all!!
2) He spent a lot of time talking about his ex partner – which was fine, I was quite happy to hear about him – until, partway through the conversation, I realised that I knew his ex – in quite an intimate way – he’d (on more than one occasion) been one of the marathons I’d endured whilst on recreational drugs
And when that comes out – that won’t be awkward either!!
Why is nothing ever simple??
During the course of the conversation it came out that he was best friends with a good friend of a friend of mine, so it turned out we had someone in common (apart from the sleazy exboyfriend that is)
Completely out of the blue this friend of MINE called last night, so I mentioned that we’d been for a meal – for some reason this seemed to be a green light for him to tell me all kinds of personal (and not very pleasant) things about the guy – I asked him to stop, but clearly he thought I was joking as he carried on anyway
Now if ANY of those things he said were true (and I really wish I hadn’t heard them) it only confirms to me that I was just a dalliance for the evening
I’d been beating myself up, thinking I should’ve stayed the night and things would’ve been different
When really it turns out that I’m a) not rich and b) not a black man with a big cock!!!
I don’t think what my friend told me was anything more than malicious gossip, but it does add another dimension to the myriad of reasons as to why he’s not bothered to get back in touch with me
I can console myself with the certain knowledge that, had this relationship gone any further, I would’ve ballsed it up anyway
So who needs it? Certainly not him clearly – and not me...........honestly!
I had a date on Sunday night – was a little out of the blue and I was really hesitant about saying yes, but it took me surprise, sort of
I saw the profile of someone who goes to my gym online and thought I’d say hi – I thought he was cute, but am always on the lookout for new friends, so primarily thought it’d be nice to get chatting to someone who workouts at the same place
When he replied, the conversation turned quite flirty – which I’m not complaining about, he’s a sexy looking guy
Then after chatting for a while he asked me to call him, which I did – we chatted for about half an hour then I got off (bloody pay as you go phones grrrrr)
I noticed he was online again on the Sunday evening so said hullo – he asked me to call again, so I said “you call me, I’ve run out of credit” (embarrassingly) – he then asked my number, which I have to say got alarm bells ringing – I’d spent half an hour on the phone with him the night before, even if he hadn’t stored my number it surely must still be in his call register
Now here I’m going to digress a little – I have this sixth sense when it comes to people who appear to be interested in me
I suppose you could just say I don’t trust anyone – it’d be understandable – but I do, I just wait for them to prove to me that I can’t trust them and, invariably, they do
It’s little things that I pick up on that mean I’m not really of that much concern to them – like, for example, the fact this guy couldn’t even be bothered to check his phone for my number from the night before
I can smell a lie a mile off and it’s alarming how often I smell them
And I can pretty much predict the way most encounters will end – now the smug amongst you will be thinking “hmmmmm self-fulfilling prophecy”, but I don’t accept that – I’m very careful about how I play things – I make sure I’m charm itself on a date, and (on the rare occasions I have them) I make sure I play them all differently
When it comes to sex, I have no complaints – if I end up having sex with someone after a date, it’s normally pretty good – of course the trouble is with men is that while their balls are full, everything is wonderful – as soon as they’re emptied this sense of guilt, boredom, tiredness or whatever the accompanying feeling is sets in – and that’s when it all goes pear shaped
Anyway – back to the original story – I gave him my number and he called – we chatted for a while and then he asked if I fancied going over to his for a coffee – now by this time I’d already settled in and eaten my way through a plate of bread rolls and 2 cakes, so was feeling a bit fat and lethargic, but against my better judgement said, yes I’d love to – plus it’d give me a chance to work off the crap I’d eaten by cycling over to his place
Then he said why didn’t we go for something to eat – a lovely idea, but let’s wait a couple of hours for my cake to go down!
We met up – he was sweet – we went for a meal – lovely – everything was perfect – even the part when I plucked up the courage to tell him my status - deep breath – drop it in – he was too!! Excellent! That’s always such a relief
The meal was lovely – thought we didn’t actually eat much – I think I was still bloated from all the rubbish I’d eaten earlier – then we headed back to his – it was my intention just to get my bike and come home – I never make the assumption that we’ll have sex on a first date – mostly because, I’ve dropped the HIV bombshell and like to give them chance to digest that and see where they want to take things – but obviously that wasn’t an issue here
We sat and chatted a little on the return to his apartment and then began to kiss – needless to say we ended up in the bedroom
The sex was lovely – for many years sex has been a real chore for me. Years of taking all kinds of recreational drugs had turned it into a kind of marathon event that needed to be endured rather that just enjoyed – but now having, hopefully, got drugs out of my system I was starting to enjoy the intimacy of it all a bit more
It was unfortunate that I felt so bloated though – although it was lovely, I don’t generally like having sex after I’ve eaten as I always feel like my stomach is going to explode – and, frankly, was terrified of farting all the way through
Anyway ...
After we’d finished it was getting on for 1145pm and he’d already told me he had to be up for 430am – he was a flight attendant and had a week of early flights ahead of him – and he said he’d like me to stay
Now – had I realised I was going to be staying out I would’ve prepared for it, but I hadn’t left any food for the cats so really had to come back to feed them – also I would never have slept that first night in a strange bed KNOWING that I’d have to cycle back home at 430 in the morning – so I said, that I would love to, but really had to get back – I did explain why and that I would love to stay over next time, if he wanted there to be a next time – I certainly did – he said he did too (oh boy, they’ll say anything won’t they? )
Anyway – the next day, I’d hoped to hear from him – I’d had a lovely time and hoped he had too – I didn’t, but was determined not to message him as I’d, so far, done all the running – I didn’t hear from him, although I did see he was online at the same time as me and was a little hurt that he didn’t say hullo
The following day, it rained, we’re in the middle of a really hot, sunny spell at the minute so it was a stark contrast from the weekend – I knew he was flying to Spain that morning so sent a text saying, quite cutely I thought “bring some sun back with you please xx”
That was two days ago and I haven’t heard anything from him – although he keeps logging on – I can’t bring myself to message him anymore, because even if we do meet up again, I’ll feel it’s just because he feels pressured into it
Needless to say, in the beginning I wasn’t that bothered, but as there now seems to clearly be no interest on his part, I’m hurt – I’m weird!!
Couple of interesting things that came out of this liaison
1) Turns out that he’s going to be flight attendant on our flight to gran canaria in 3 weeks – so that won’t be awkward at all!!
2) He spent a lot of time talking about his ex partner – which was fine, I was quite happy to hear about him – until, partway through the conversation, I realised that I knew his ex – in quite an intimate way – he’d (on more than one occasion) been one of the marathons I’d endured whilst on recreational drugs
And when that comes out – that won’t be awkward either!!
Why is nothing ever simple??
During the course of the conversation it came out that he was best friends with a good friend of a friend of mine, so it turned out we had someone in common (apart from the sleazy exboyfriend that is)
Completely out of the blue this friend of MINE called last night, so I mentioned that we’d been for a meal – for some reason this seemed to be a green light for him to tell me all kinds of personal (and not very pleasant) things about the guy – I asked him to stop, but clearly he thought I was joking as he carried on anyway
Now if ANY of those things he said were true (and I really wish I hadn’t heard them) it only confirms to me that I was just a dalliance for the evening
I’d been beating myself up, thinking I should’ve stayed the night and things would’ve been different
When really it turns out that I’m a) not rich and b) not a black man with a big cock!!!
I don’t think what my friend told me was anything more than malicious gossip, but it does add another dimension to the myriad of reasons as to why he’s not bothered to get back in touch with me
I can console myself with the certain knowledge that, had this relationship gone any further, I would’ve ballsed it up anyway
So who needs it? Certainly not him clearly – and not me...........honestly!
Friday, 25 June 2010
go away!!!
Why do i always start to resent people i like?
I think this is patently why i can never have a successful relationship – as soon as i start to really care for them, they always start to piss me off
It’s not them – they don’t change and they’re still as lovely as they were when i fell for them
But something just happens where even the sight of them gets on my nerves
I hate it
Because i know they’re really special and i love them, but apart from the odd glimpse i can’t show them – i just end up making them dislike me and pushing them away
i grew up in an environment where the only “loving” couples fought with each other all the time – it wasn’t until i was in my late 30’s that i realised this was because they couldn’t stand each other and were trapped in loveless marriages – but until that point i genuinely thought that if you really loved someone, you fought with them and put them down to other people
i have no concept of what it’s like to be in a supportive, loving relationship – the few relationships i have had, have been with people who are so self centred and difficult to love that MY concept of love has been appropriate (though my best friend in the world started out by being a partner that was very difficult to have a relationship with – now he’s my only family and i wouldn’t be without him)
all my close friends live many miles away – now i never think that was the intention – i don’t ACTUALLY believe that i caused them to run screaming to the hills in an attempt to escape me
but i also don’t believe it’s an accident
maybe it’s easier for me to maintain my love and respect for people when they live far away – so there’s no danger of me getting too close to them and destroying everything
i get really sensitive as well – i’m very good at taking the mickey out of other people and can be quite vicious sometimes, in the pursuit of a “comedy moment” – but i can’t take it
i get really resentful if someone has a comeback for me – or, even worse, they make a joke at my expense
i think a lot of people who have specific hang-ups about themselves will joke about the things they’re most bothered by – but that, of course, invites others to joke about the same thing
it doesn’t matter how much i explain to some people that it really, REALLY hurts when they joke about my eating habits and my size - it doesn’t seem to stop them!
Of course, it’s ok for me to do it to them
I’m not completely insensitive – i’m really not – but the trouble is, i’m more sensitive with people i know less – if i’ve known someone for a while and actually CARE about them, then they’re fair game
I recognise this in myself, but don’t know how to stop myself doing it
People think i’m lovely when they first get to know me – then my “nasty” side slowly comes out
Underneath i just want to be able to fully relax and trust someone and be able to have nothing but good feeling towards them – and i want someone to feel like that with me – perhaps that’s love – i’ve never experienced it if it is
Maybe it’s waiting somewhere for me
Maybe if someone proves to me they are worthy of my love and trust, the desire to hurt them will dissipate
Maybe it’s not ALL my fault – but right now, it feels like it is and always has been!
Diet went great til about 7pm – then remembered the multipack of crisps in the kitchen cupboard – god help me!
I think this is patently why i can never have a successful relationship – as soon as i start to really care for them, they always start to piss me off
It’s not them – they don’t change and they’re still as lovely as they were when i fell for them
But something just happens where even the sight of them gets on my nerves
I hate it
Because i know they’re really special and i love them, but apart from the odd glimpse i can’t show them – i just end up making them dislike me and pushing them away
i grew up in an environment where the only “loving” couples fought with each other all the time – it wasn’t until i was in my late 30’s that i realised this was because they couldn’t stand each other and were trapped in loveless marriages – but until that point i genuinely thought that if you really loved someone, you fought with them and put them down to other people
i have no concept of what it’s like to be in a supportive, loving relationship – the few relationships i have had, have been with people who are so self centred and difficult to love that MY concept of love has been appropriate (though my best friend in the world started out by being a partner that was very difficult to have a relationship with – now he’s my only family and i wouldn’t be without him)
all my close friends live many miles away – now i never think that was the intention – i don’t ACTUALLY believe that i caused them to run screaming to the hills in an attempt to escape me
but i also don’t believe it’s an accident
maybe it’s easier for me to maintain my love and respect for people when they live far away – so there’s no danger of me getting too close to them and destroying everything
i get really sensitive as well – i’m very good at taking the mickey out of other people and can be quite vicious sometimes, in the pursuit of a “comedy moment” – but i can’t take it
i get really resentful if someone has a comeback for me – or, even worse, they make a joke at my expense
i think a lot of people who have specific hang-ups about themselves will joke about the things they’re most bothered by – but that, of course, invites others to joke about the same thing
it doesn’t matter how much i explain to some people that it really, REALLY hurts when they joke about my eating habits and my size - it doesn’t seem to stop them!
Of course, it’s ok for me to do it to them
I’m not completely insensitive – i’m really not – but the trouble is, i’m more sensitive with people i know less – if i’ve known someone for a while and actually CARE about them, then they’re fair game
I recognise this in myself, but don’t know how to stop myself doing it
People think i’m lovely when they first get to know me – then my “nasty” side slowly comes out
Underneath i just want to be able to fully relax and trust someone and be able to have nothing but good feeling towards them – and i want someone to feel like that with me – perhaps that’s love – i’ve never experienced it if it is
Maybe it’s waiting somewhere for me
Maybe if someone proves to me they are worthy of my love and trust, the desire to hurt them will dissipate
Maybe it’s not ALL my fault – but right now, it feels like it is and always has been!
Diet went great til about 7pm – then remembered the multipack of crisps in the kitchen cupboard – god help me!
Thursday, 24 June 2010
still fat!!
forgot to say - still struggling with trying to eat healthily
managing up to a point, but still fat!! grrrrr
i made a huge vat of fresh vegetable soup yesterday with the intention of eating just that for the next 3 weeks, but got sidetracked by a bag of beef and onion crisps and 4 tubs of muller rice
it's hard when you have a disorder!!!!!!
managing up to a point, but still fat!! grrrrr
i made a huge vat of fresh vegetable soup yesterday with the intention of eating just that for the next 3 weeks, but got sidetracked by a bag of beef and onion crisps and 4 tubs of muller rice
it's hard when you have a disorder!!!!!!
keep it up!!!
Am i getting bored of doing this blog? quite possibly
I never stick at anything – another legacy from my childhood i think – i can clearly hear “oh that’ll be a five minute wonder, he never sticks at anything, it’ll be something else next week”
Well – again – self-fulfilling prophecy (is that what that is ? )
Anyway – i do seem to be really keen on things for a while then give them up
The one thing i thought i’d do forever was acting – i was passionate about it, just not confident enough to make a decent career out of it
I believed i was good, but completely unable to sell myself – or indeed to convince other people to sell me
I had a succession of agents who just took me on and left me on their desk, rarely submitting me for anything – and my attempts at sorting that were always met with hostility and me being made to feel i was in the wrong – which is something i readily take on board about anything – i rarely argue, even if i’m sure i’m right about something, because the humiliation of being made to look stupid by someone who’s right purely by being the loudest person, is an unbearable feeling
Knowing i’m right is small recompense really
It took a long time for to give up on acting – when i got to 40 and realised that i was on my own and had to support myself, the realisation dawned that i needed to find a “proper” job for the rest of my life
I’ve no pension or savings, so i imagine it pretty much WILL be for the rest of my life
Right now – i’m in transition, shall we say? I’m between job s
The last one i lost due to blatant discrimination, but as i settled before tribunal with my ex-employers i’m not sure how much i can say here – actually, i’m not going to name them so what the heck:
When i was diagnosed HIV positive i took some time off work – i’ve already told you about the completely hysterical reaction i had to the news (eventually) – i was signed of with stress for 2 months – then as i was about to return i was informed by my consultant that i needed to start combination therapy which a) set me back a little in regard of the stress thing and b) meant i needed to take a few more weeks off as there was the possibility of having some pretty strong side effects
It was at this point the occupational health officer told me she couldn’t justify me being off any longer – though why she felt SHE had to justify it was beyond me – i told her that i would take the advice of my clinic and GP over her’ s any day and would remain off until i was sure i was settled on the meds – bluntly i told her that i had no intention of coming into work and finding i’d shat myself in front of my colleagues
Anyway, on my return to work i was informed that everyone’s contracts had been changed – and i was no longer a supervisor, but was being put back on the phones (sorry, i was a supervisor in a local call centre – can’t say which one obviously - i’d been there 5 years and enjoyed my job – i thought i’d found the thing i was going to do til i retired – big mistake!!!!)
Now there is a very long and tedious story relating to all this – but having lived through it and chewed over again and again i’m not going to bore you with all the details
Suffice it to say i took the company to tribunal for disability discrimination – i was sure to win as well, but settled just prior to the court date because i really couldn’t take any more stress and anxiety
It’s afford a few nice holidays, but i’m now at the point again where i’m worrying about what i’m going to do for the rest of my life
I recently had an interview for the local HIV charity here, for an office administrator – and although, apparently, it was a choice between me and one other candidate – the other candidate got it – rats!!!!
It really would’ve been the answer to my dreams – to find a job i enjoyed and was so capable of doing so soon after leaving the previous one (and with employers that fully understood my predicament) was too much to hope for it seemed
It has made me think about possible avenues to explore – i really would like to work in that area – i imagine that means considerable training in social care or social work – so at the moment that’s something i’m considering when i’m ready to get back into full time work
Of course, in ever stick at anything, so next week it’ll probably be something else – though what? I’ve no idea
I had very definite dreams and ambitions that left no room for anything else – everything else was NOT what i wanted to do – i didn’t give those dreams up lightly, but had to realise that to live a relatively normal life i had to walk away from them
I still maintain this vain hope that someone somewhere will discover me as a middle aged actor – unlikely though as i haven’t performed in at least 6 years – i think it’s called having the stuffing knocked out of you
I’m currently thinking about joining the Manchester gay and lesbian chorus – though even that terrifies me – and who knows, i may have given up on that idea by the time it comes to actually having to attend a meeting
Oooh – doctor who! There’s one thing i’ve never given up on – i loved it as a child and still love it now – i’m a complete doctor who geek and have a huge collection of books and memorabilia – there i can stick at something!!
It’s good to end on an optimistic note – maybe there’s hope for me yet!!!
I never stick at anything – another legacy from my childhood i think – i can clearly hear “oh that’ll be a five minute wonder, he never sticks at anything, it’ll be something else next week”
Well – again – self-fulfilling prophecy (is that what that is ? )
Anyway – i do seem to be really keen on things for a while then give them up
The one thing i thought i’d do forever was acting – i was passionate about it, just not confident enough to make a decent career out of it
I believed i was good, but completely unable to sell myself – or indeed to convince other people to sell me
I had a succession of agents who just took me on and left me on their desk, rarely submitting me for anything – and my attempts at sorting that were always met with hostility and me being made to feel i was in the wrong – which is something i readily take on board about anything – i rarely argue, even if i’m sure i’m right about something, because the humiliation of being made to look stupid by someone who’s right purely by being the loudest person, is an unbearable feeling
Knowing i’m right is small recompense really
It took a long time for to give up on acting – when i got to 40 and realised that i was on my own and had to support myself, the realisation dawned that i needed to find a “proper” job for the rest of my life
I’ve no pension or savings, so i imagine it pretty much WILL be for the rest of my life
Right now – i’m in transition, shall we say? I’m between job s
The last one i lost due to blatant discrimination, but as i settled before tribunal with my ex-employers i’m not sure how much i can say here – actually, i’m not going to name them so what the heck:
When i was diagnosed HIV positive i took some time off work – i’ve already told you about the completely hysterical reaction i had to the news (eventually) – i was signed of with stress for 2 months – then as i was about to return i was informed by my consultant that i needed to start combination therapy which a) set me back a little in regard of the stress thing and b) meant i needed to take a few more weeks off as there was the possibility of having some pretty strong side effects
It was at this point the occupational health officer told me she couldn’t justify me being off any longer – though why she felt SHE had to justify it was beyond me – i told her that i would take the advice of my clinic and GP over her’ s any day and would remain off until i was sure i was settled on the meds – bluntly i told her that i had no intention of coming into work and finding i’d shat myself in front of my colleagues
Anyway, on my return to work i was informed that everyone’s contracts had been changed – and i was no longer a supervisor, but was being put back on the phones (sorry, i was a supervisor in a local call centre – can’t say which one obviously - i’d been there 5 years and enjoyed my job – i thought i’d found the thing i was going to do til i retired – big mistake!!!!)
Now there is a very long and tedious story relating to all this – but having lived through it and chewed over again and again i’m not going to bore you with all the details
Suffice it to say i took the company to tribunal for disability discrimination – i was sure to win as well, but settled just prior to the court date because i really couldn’t take any more stress and anxiety
It’s afford a few nice holidays, but i’m now at the point again where i’m worrying about what i’m going to do for the rest of my life
I recently had an interview for the local HIV charity here, for an office administrator – and although, apparently, it was a choice between me and one other candidate – the other candidate got it – rats!!!!
It really would’ve been the answer to my dreams – to find a job i enjoyed and was so capable of doing so soon after leaving the previous one (and with employers that fully understood my predicament) was too much to hope for it seemed
It has made me think about possible avenues to explore – i really would like to work in that area – i imagine that means considerable training in social care or social work – so at the moment that’s something i’m considering when i’m ready to get back into full time work
Of course, in ever stick at anything, so next week it’ll probably be something else – though what? I’ve no idea
I had very definite dreams and ambitions that left no room for anything else – everything else was NOT what i wanted to do – i didn’t give those dreams up lightly, but had to realise that to live a relatively normal life i had to walk away from them
I still maintain this vain hope that someone somewhere will discover me as a middle aged actor – unlikely though as i haven’t performed in at least 6 years – i think it’s called having the stuffing knocked out of you
I’m currently thinking about joining the Manchester gay and lesbian chorus – though even that terrifies me – and who knows, i may have given up on that idea by the time it comes to actually having to attend a meeting
Oooh – doctor who! There’s one thing i’ve never given up on – i loved it as a child and still love it now – i’m a complete doctor who geek and have a huge collection of books and memorabilia – there i can stick at something!!
It’s good to end on an optimistic note – maybe there’s hope for me yet!!!
Sunday, 20 June 2010
father's day
well - father's day - what's that all about
i wonder what it would be like to have had a father i actually cared about
i suppose i did care once, when i was a little boy - when i used to love him and look up to him and be desperate for his love and approval
thankfully - i can barely remember that time - i've already ranted about my dad so i'm not going to waste anymore breath on him
i'm just wondering how i feel about a day like this - it's strange as it's never meant anything to me really - i suppose that all special days are marketed as big events nowadays, so they seem a bigger deal than they used to be
i was destined never to have children - i'm really pleased about that - maybe that would've been different if i'd've been born a girl - perhaps i'd be broody now, panicking about my body clock about to conk out completely at any minute
but i've met a lot of gay guys who nurse this ambition to become parents - parents? that's a laugh - thinking of a child as this season's "must have" - like diesel underpants or and i-pad
and i believe that - men don't have maternal instincts no matter how GAAAAAAAY they are!
and no amount of habitat nursery furniture is going to change that
though i do wonder, would my upbringing have been any better had i been given to gay parents?
well, male gay relationships are historically short-lived - but having said that, my mum went through divorce proceedings against my dad about 3 times during my childhood - each time calling it all of as it was about to go to court
so although my sister and i were never considered to have come from a "broken home", we were put through the agonies leading up to that on a regular basis
no wonder then that i have no faith in the longevity of ANY relationship - least of all a gay one between two men (i am a man and know that we're animals - we're driven by sex, certainly in our youth)
i think women bring an emotional level to a relationship that can't exist between two men - i think that's born out by the most longstanding relationships being, generally, straight or lesbian
so considering how i turned out - the idea of a child having to go through breakups and new "step-dads" or uncles fills me with horror
yes - i know that couples are vetted before they can foster or adopt - fostering, i'm all for - especially for older children who need someone understanding in their corner - someone non-judgemental and supportive - yes, that would've been wonderful
and in that vein, i guess adopting would work for the same reasons
but who vets people to actually become parents? gay or straight for that matter
so much talk of "let's find a willing lesbian and a turkey baster" - really scary!!
you're gay! you're not destined to have kids - deal with it!!
i may love you - i may think you're the best person in the world - but at the end of the day, accept your lot in life and don't think about forcing your desires (cos that's all they are) on some poor unsuspecting, as yet, unborn child
i will say at the end of all this - this isn't a rant - i'm not some kind of religious or political fundamentalist - these are just my opinions
i certainly wouldn't hate or argue with anyone that doesn't fit in with these views - i just would like to see people take responsibility for who they are and how they live their own life before trying to give a life and an upbringing to someone else
there's a lot of dysfunction in a gay relationship - that just goes with the territory - i'm not sure of the value of that on a new born child
oh god - that's what father's day has done to me - turned me into a rambling homo!!!
sorry
i wonder what it would be like to have had a father i actually cared about
i suppose i did care once, when i was a little boy - when i used to love him and look up to him and be desperate for his love and approval
thankfully - i can barely remember that time - i've already ranted about my dad so i'm not going to waste anymore breath on him
i'm just wondering how i feel about a day like this - it's strange as it's never meant anything to me really - i suppose that all special days are marketed as big events nowadays, so they seem a bigger deal than they used to be
i was destined never to have children - i'm really pleased about that - maybe that would've been different if i'd've been born a girl - perhaps i'd be broody now, panicking about my body clock about to conk out completely at any minute
but i've met a lot of gay guys who nurse this ambition to become parents - parents? that's a laugh - thinking of a child as this season's "must have" - like diesel underpants or and i-pad
and i believe that - men don't have maternal instincts no matter how GAAAAAAAY they are!
and no amount of habitat nursery furniture is going to change that
though i do wonder, would my upbringing have been any better had i been given to gay parents?
well, male gay relationships are historically short-lived - but having said that, my mum went through divorce proceedings against my dad about 3 times during my childhood - each time calling it all of as it was about to go to court
so although my sister and i were never considered to have come from a "broken home", we were put through the agonies leading up to that on a regular basis
no wonder then that i have no faith in the longevity of ANY relationship - least of all a gay one between two men (i am a man and know that we're animals - we're driven by sex, certainly in our youth)
i think women bring an emotional level to a relationship that can't exist between two men - i think that's born out by the most longstanding relationships being, generally, straight or lesbian
so considering how i turned out - the idea of a child having to go through breakups and new "step-dads" or uncles fills me with horror
yes - i know that couples are vetted before they can foster or adopt - fostering, i'm all for - especially for older children who need someone understanding in their corner - someone non-judgemental and supportive - yes, that would've been wonderful
and in that vein, i guess adopting would work for the same reasons
but who vets people to actually become parents? gay or straight for that matter
so much talk of "let's find a willing lesbian and a turkey baster" - really scary!!
you're gay! you're not destined to have kids - deal with it!!
i may love you - i may think you're the best person in the world - but at the end of the day, accept your lot in life and don't think about forcing your desires (cos that's all they are) on some poor unsuspecting, as yet, unborn child
i will say at the end of all this - this isn't a rant - i'm not some kind of religious or political fundamentalist - these are just my opinions
i certainly wouldn't hate or argue with anyone that doesn't fit in with these views - i just would like to see people take responsibility for who they are and how they live their own life before trying to give a life and an upbringing to someone else
there's a lot of dysfunction in a gay relationship - that just goes with the territory - i'm not sure of the value of that on a new born child
oh god - that's what father's day has done to me - turned me into a rambling homo!!!
sorry
Friday, 18 June 2010
poetry in motion
fat fat go away,
don't come back - because i'm gay!!
there's nothing worse than wobbly hips
especially when i've had no chips
it's not as if i've kids to bear.
it's just not fair - i've got no hair!!!
don't you think that's bad enough
for a single, lonely, cat-loving, puff?
i feel like wordsworth sigh !!
don't come back - because i'm gay!!
there's nothing worse than wobbly hips
especially when i've had no chips
it's not as if i've kids to bear.
it's just not fair - i've got no hair!!!
don't you think that's bad enough
for a single, lonely, cat-loving, puff?
i feel like wordsworth sigh !!
Thursday, 17 June 2010
how sweet!
My neighbour has just knocked on to see if i wanted a donut – apparently a girl she works with gets them for free from krispy kreme (what she has to do for them, i don’t know)
The long and the short of it is that i accepted a donut and it was a very lovely gesture
However that’s not how things work with me – now i’m sat here over-analysing the whole thing
First of all i took a while to answer the door – i wasn’t wearing a shirt and had to hunt around for one to put on – so did she think i was avoiding her?
Secondly when i answered the door, the first thing i noticed was that she was carrying a krispy kreme’s box – did that mean that that’s where my eyes were? Did she see that? Did i even look at her face? Was there dribble running down my chin??
“sorry,” i said “i had a shirt on!”
NO – “i had NO shirt on”
Oh god – how stupid!
What is it that turns me into a bumbling idiot when people i don’t know so well are talking to me ?
maybe it’s part of my tourette’s – or maybe i’m just socially inadequate
Then when she asked if i’d like a donut, did she notice my look of disappointment because she wasn’t going to give me the whole box?
At first i declined explaining, “I’m on a really strict diet right now, i’m going to gran canaria in 4 and a half weeks and have to get myself slim”
To which she replied, “oh so am i, just take one and put it in the fridge then have a little bit of it when you feel like it” – oh how little she knows me
So i accepted, because i didn’t want to hurt her feelings
Then she thanked me for bringing her wheelie bin in as the garbage truck had been today – it was nothing and i said so - so we had a little exchange about how we both on occasion forget the bins are out there and how terrible we are to leave them – oh how we laughed!!
Then as she was going i shouted after her, “ i won’t sleep tonight for guilt at having this donut and it’s all your fault” and then, what sounded a little too loud and gruff, “THANK YOU!”
I have no reason to assume that i have in any way hurt her feelings, but have sat here for a while now chewing it all over in my mind
Was i rude? Did i seem blinded by the fact there were donuts in a box on my doorstep (albeit in my neighbour’s hands)? Did she understand that i was joking with my final comment? She’s a really sweet girl and maybe she doesn’t get sarcasm – a lot of people don’t as i’ve found out to my cost!
So nothing’s ever simple – not even the idea of someone being kind enough to bring me a donut and me excepting it with thanks
I’m now sat here feeling guilty and going over every detail of our brief exchange on the doorstep and imagining what i should’ve done and said – and praying that i didn’t cause her any offence!
Anyway – the donut’s in the fridge
It’ll be stale by the time i get to it – i’m full of cottage cheese and low fat yogurt right now!!!
The long and the short of it is that i accepted a donut and it was a very lovely gesture
However that’s not how things work with me – now i’m sat here over-analysing the whole thing
First of all i took a while to answer the door – i wasn’t wearing a shirt and had to hunt around for one to put on – so did she think i was avoiding her?
Secondly when i answered the door, the first thing i noticed was that she was carrying a krispy kreme’s box – did that mean that that’s where my eyes were? Did she see that? Did i even look at her face? Was there dribble running down my chin??
“sorry,” i said “i had a shirt on!”
NO – “i had NO shirt on”
Oh god – how stupid!
What is it that turns me into a bumbling idiot when people i don’t know so well are talking to me ?
maybe it’s part of my tourette’s – or maybe i’m just socially inadequate
Then when she asked if i’d like a donut, did she notice my look of disappointment because she wasn’t going to give me the whole box?
At first i declined explaining, “I’m on a really strict diet right now, i’m going to gran canaria in 4 and a half weeks and have to get myself slim”
To which she replied, “oh so am i, just take one and put it in the fridge then have a little bit of it when you feel like it” – oh how little she knows me
So i accepted, because i didn’t want to hurt her feelings
Then she thanked me for bringing her wheelie bin in as the garbage truck had been today – it was nothing and i said so - so we had a little exchange about how we both on occasion forget the bins are out there and how terrible we are to leave them – oh how we laughed!!
Then as she was going i shouted after her, “ i won’t sleep tonight for guilt at having this donut and it’s all your fault” and then, what sounded a little too loud and gruff, “THANK YOU!”
I have no reason to assume that i have in any way hurt her feelings, but have sat here for a while now chewing it all over in my mind
Was i rude? Did i seem blinded by the fact there were donuts in a box on my doorstep (albeit in my neighbour’s hands)? Did she understand that i was joking with my final comment? She’s a really sweet girl and maybe she doesn’t get sarcasm – a lot of people don’t as i’ve found out to my cost!
So nothing’s ever simple – not even the idea of someone being kind enough to bring me a donut and me excepting it with thanks
I’m now sat here feeling guilty and going over every detail of our brief exchange on the doorstep and imagining what i should’ve done and said – and praying that i didn’t cause her any offence!
Anyway – the donut’s in the fridge
It’ll be stale by the time i get to it – i’m full of cottage cheese and low fat yogurt right now!!!
i can work myself into a lather over anything!!
i just had to ring the hospital - i had a letter weeks ago, telling me i had a "telephone appointment for an orthopaedic assessment" (gyppy shoulder!!) - the letter said i had to ring at 10am on 17th june - i was up at the crack of dawn worrying about what i would say and how i would be able to describe the problems i was having - when i rang (dead on 10am), it was just to MAKE a bloody appointment - what a let down! i've still got pins and needles running up and down my arm from where i'd got so stressed about it all
i think it must be lovely to be one of those people who just takes life in their stride instead of getting worked up about everything
my life just seems to be a succession of hospital appointments these days
i was in for an operation monday - keyhole surgery on a tiny hernia - they'd said that it wasn't important to have it operated on, but i'd got myself into such a state that i was waking up in the middle of the night thinking it'd popped out and got strangulated!! so i elected to have the op
i was first on the list as well, which is a first in itself! when the surgeon came to see me prior to the operation, he talked me out of it
they never give you a straight answer of course, but i THINK he was more or less saying that i was wasting his time and putting myself throught the discomfort of an operation for nothing
so i picked up my pyjamas and came home!
now i can't sleep again for fear of it popping out!
aaaaarrgggghhh!!!
i think it must be lovely to be one of those people who just takes life in their stride instead of getting worked up about everything
my life just seems to be a succession of hospital appointments these days
i was in for an operation monday - keyhole surgery on a tiny hernia - they'd said that it wasn't important to have it operated on, but i'd got myself into such a state that i was waking up in the middle of the night thinking it'd popped out and got strangulated!! so i elected to have the op
i was first on the list as well, which is a first in itself! when the surgeon came to see me prior to the operation, he talked me out of it
they never give you a straight answer of course, but i THINK he was more or less saying that i was wasting his time and putting myself throught the discomfort of an operation for nothing
so i picked up my pyjamas and came home!
now i can't sleep again for fear of it popping out!
aaaaarrgggghhh!!!
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
guilt guilt go away!
oh god - the guilt i'm feeling today - i can't escape it
my old acting tutor from drama school once told me i had the worst case of catholic guilt he'd ever come across, made even worse by the fact that i'm NOT a catholic!
i booked a holiday - well a flight to gran canaria - didn't cost much - i may have mentioned it already too, so sorry about that - i do tend to repeat myself a lot - i think it's cos i don't actually get to tell anyone stuff very often, so i make the most of it when i do - by going on and on and on and on............you get the picture?
right - the thing about booking holidays, or buying anything i like or even doing anything i like, is that i can hear my dad's voice in the back of my head questioning why i've wasted my money, or how stupid am i for enjoying something that he doesn't ?
my dad never approved of ANYTHING me or my sister ever did - and as a result, i can't enjoy things like holidays in the same way as "normal" people - i book it, then have this overwhelming sense of impending doom and guilt
dad hasn't been part of my life for 9 years now - and it's taken me almost all of those 9 years to be able to say - GOOD!
a completely selfish man - who seemed to think that if he spent a lot of money on something he wanted you to have, that made him a caring parent - and one that should be envied by every child on this planet - nothing was ever done without an eye on the main chance (the main chance being what was in it for him)
i grew up thinking i was from a perfectly normal family - me and my sister and mum and dad
my parents sneered at other families and labelled them "weird" and "abnormal" (a particularly favourite word of my parents) - of course, being weird and abnormal meant that they were actually loving and supportive of each other - but when you're growing up, you expect what you're told
i didn't realise til quite recently that i had actually been in a terribly abusive environment - i stress here that i was never sexually abused - but physically and mentally
i have a mild form of tourette's syndrome - i've had it since i was a child, but it's only just been diagnosed - i went through hell for it - i didn't swear or hit things, but i didn't make involuntary grunting and snorting noises - still do in fact (i sound delightful don't i?)
i was abused terribly for it - called all kinds of names (by my own family), abnormal, mental, "mongol" (i know....) - i was, supposedly, making these noise JUST to annoy them
i couldn't sit around in the living room and watch tv with my family, because i was constantly picked on about making noises - i spent a lot of time in my room as a result
the abuse wasn't even hidden - my father, especially, had no qualms in telling the whole world he had a "mongol" for a son
i was useless, fat, stupid - all on a daily basis
and when i argued the point - i got hit - mum hit us (my sister and me) all the time - i remember clearly getting thrashed with the fishslice in the kitchen, her hitting me so hard with it that it snapped - then getting another thrashing for breaking her fishslice!!
dad didn't hit out as regularly as mum, but that was cos he didn't have to - his legacy had haunted me from a very young age - and when he flipped it was terrifying
i remember a trip to the seaside as a very young child - i'm guessing below the age of 6 - with mum, dad, my sister and my aunt and her two daughters (my cousins) - now one of my cousins had been naughty all the way down in the car - playing with the door handle and stressing my dad out completely - but of course, this wasn't his child so she didn't come in for the abuse that we would've done had we done the same thing
we spent the day on the beach and had been in the sea and played in the sand
after a picnic tea it was time to go - and my dad was getting my dressed IN FULL VIEW OF MY TWO FEMALE COUSINS - as he tried to pull my trunks down i resisted and asked him to put a towel round me
he beat me so long and hard that my right side became instantly blue with bruising
my aunt still remembers that to this day - as do i, of course - but whenever that story was told it was how he'd been pushed to his limit and that i'd deserved it all
i know this post is all sounding a bit bleak - and i will lighten up in future posts, but there's a certain catharticism about getting this out for all to see (if anyone ever reads this)
we would be given gifts for christmas and birthdays, but always in a big show with lots of people to see - expensive gifts like portable tv's and record players (i'm middle aged remember) - but these were given and taken away just as quickly - it got so there was never any point in getting to appreciate something because you knew that should you do something as horrific as want to watch something on the other side of the tv, then they would be taken away from you - no you can't watch what you want, i'm watching the news! and just because you've dared to ask if you can watch something else, i'm going to take the portable tv out of your room so you can't even go and watch it up there either - they might as well have got them from radio rentals - they'd have saved a fortune, the amount of time we actually got to use them !!!
i remember once i actually tried to argue the point as dad was taking my tv from my room and followed him downstairs to reason that he should put it back to keep me out of his way - and he knocked me to the floor and kicked me through the house (lovely open plan property - very 70's) to the hallway then all the way up the stairs into my bedroom
when i left school - my dream was to go to drama school - the irony was, i didn't know such places existed until my mum went out of her way to find out about them - presenting me with a list of places i could audition for to fulfil my dream - then going out of her way to stop me doing just that
what a ridiculous idea - drama school! he's no good - he'll never get in anyway, they're really hard to get into
i did get in - amazingly - a little spark of hope that i might be good at something - but no, apparently not - this particular school was clearly just taking ANYBODY so there was no achievement in passing that audition - besides there were the fees - who's going to pay those? us? your parents? don't be so ridiculous - no no that's not what we think you should be doing
what should i be doing? going out and getting a job and paying us "keep"
did i mention yet, that my parents were really well off? not gentry, well off - but my dad had his own business and they did very well from it - so quite well off - certainly well off enough to buy my sister various different ponies and horses and cars and horse boxes and pay rent of fields for said ponies and horses - you see, THAT they approved off - horses - well it was fun going to those horse shoes wasn't it? plus some good deals to be made with some of those other business men who's daughters were equally enamoured of the hobby
(i'm not saying my sister didn't have her own problems with my parents - i know now that she did - but this isn't her blog is it? this is mine!)
anyway - they were more than able to pay tuition fees for me to go to college - but no, that's not what i was going to do with my life!
i'm fast forwarding a bit when i say i did eventually get to drama school - i went to manchester polytechnic school of theatre - one of the best acting courses in the country - but that was down to perseverance (having had to turn down two other places due to parent's not willing to pay) and the fact that i was lucky enough to get a full grant - one of the last few students in britain to benefit from that in fact!
i'm sure some of you will think i sound ungrateful and wonder why i think my parent's SHOULD'VE paid for that - as i was now 16 and to all intents and purposes, an adult
well - you can leave my blog now if you like, i won't be offended - i have very strong views about parenting - hence why (apart from being gay and never having wanted to go near a woman sexually) i've never had any desire to be a parent myself - i DO actually believe that if you have a child then your responsibility to that "child" is for the rest of its life - not just until you think they're old enough to cut them off - i think it is any child's right to expect support from their parents (at the very least) and anyone doesn't offer that and love, unconditionally , should never have become parents!!!
my mother fell pregnant at 16 - with me - and for all my childhood i remember being told "it's all your bloody fault" - and never actually finding out why until i was about 18
actually - it WASN'T my fault!! it was YOUR fault and my father's fault for not taking any precautions - or, given that it was the 1960's, not waiting til you were confident you could deal with the circumstances!!
i was just a curse - and that was made known to me at a very early age - and not until my mother died and he last words to me were "i love you" did i ever feel that i was anything other
i was 36 years old then - and pretty much, already scarred!
anyway - there are so many more horror stories of abuse and misery i could regale you with relating to my parents (like the time they went abroad on holiday for the first time - deciding that they wouldn't take "you kids" - "cos you'll just fight and spoil it for us"
we were left at home with our grandparents - and to work the summer in the shop, because my dad wouldn't leave it in the charge of anyone else - everyone was trying to "fiddle" him - actually thinking about it, running a local business at the age of 13 or so - i should put that on my CV - i could actually have been some kind of child prodigy !!
they went to Florida - to Disney World - the one place in the world ANY child would love to go - then came back to tell us how much we would've loved it there!!)
but for now - i'm going to give it a rest
a) because i don't want anyone reading this to think i'm a complete misery who just wallows in his past and never moves on
and b) because i'm sick of talking about them for now
i think that got a little bit out of my system - i'm sure there's more to come - but here's to a more cheery post next time !!
my old acting tutor from drama school once told me i had the worst case of catholic guilt he'd ever come across, made even worse by the fact that i'm NOT a catholic!
i booked a holiday - well a flight to gran canaria - didn't cost much - i may have mentioned it already too, so sorry about that - i do tend to repeat myself a lot - i think it's cos i don't actually get to tell anyone stuff very often, so i make the most of it when i do - by going on and on and on and on............you get the picture?
right - the thing about booking holidays, or buying anything i like or even doing anything i like, is that i can hear my dad's voice in the back of my head questioning why i've wasted my money, or how stupid am i for enjoying something that he doesn't ?
my dad never approved of ANYTHING me or my sister ever did - and as a result, i can't enjoy things like holidays in the same way as "normal" people - i book it, then have this overwhelming sense of impending doom and guilt
dad hasn't been part of my life for 9 years now - and it's taken me almost all of those 9 years to be able to say - GOOD!
a completely selfish man - who seemed to think that if he spent a lot of money on something he wanted you to have, that made him a caring parent - and one that should be envied by every child on this planet - nothing was ever done without an eye on the main chance (the main chance being what was in it for him)
i grew up thinking i was from a perfectly normal family - me and my sister and mum and dad
my parents sneered at other families and labelled them "weird" and "abnormal" (a particularly favourite word of my parents) - of course, being weird and abnormal meant that they were actually loving and supportive of each other - but when you're growing up, you expect what you're told
i didn't realise til quite recently that i had actually been in a terribly abusive environment - i stress here that i was never sexually abused - but physically and mentally
i have a mild form of tourette's syndrome - i've had it since i was a child, but it's only just been diagnosed - i went through hell for it - i didn't swear or hit things, but i didn't make involuntary grunting and snorting noises - still do in fact (i sound delightful don't i?)
i was abused terribly for it - called all kinds of names (by my own family), abnormal, mental, "mongol" (i know....) - i was, supposedly, making these noise JUST to annoy them
i couldn't sit around in the living room and watch tv with my family, because i was constantly picked on about making noises - i spent a lot of time in my room as a result
the abuse wasn't even hidden - my father, especially, had no qualms in telling the whole world he had a "mongol" for a son
i was useless, fat, stupid - all on a daily basis
and when i argued the point - i got hit - mum hit us (my sister and me) all the time - i remember clearly getting thrashed with the fishslice in the kitchen, her hitting me so hard with it that it snapped - then getting another thrashing for breaking her fishslice!!
dad didn't hit out as regularly as mum, but that was cos he didn't have to - his legacy had haunted me from a very young age - and when he flipped it was terrifying
i remember a trip to the seaside as a very young child - i'm guessing below the age of 6 - with mum, dad, my sister and my aunt and her two daughters (my cousins) - now one of my cousins had been naughty all the way down in the car - playing with the door handle and stressing my dad out completely - but of course, this wasn't his child so she didn't come in for the abuse that we would've done had we done the same thing
we spent the day on the beach and had been in the sea and played in the sand
after a picnic tea it was time to go - and my dad was getting my dressed IN FULL VIEW OF MY TWO FEMALE COUSINS - as he tried to pull my trunks down i resisted and asked him to put a towel round me
he beat me so long and hard that my right side became instantly blue with bruising
my aunt still remembers that to this day - as do i, of course - but whenever that story was told it was how he'd been pushed to his limit and that i'd deserved it all
i know this post is all sounding a bit bleak - and i will lighten up in future posts, but there's a certain catharticism about getting this out for all to see (if anyone ever reads this)
we would be given gifts for christmas and birthdays, but always in a big show with lots of people to see - expensive gifts like portable tv's and record players (i'm middle aged remember) - but these were given and taken away just as quickly - it got so there was never any point in getting to appreciate something because you knew that should you do something as horrific as want to watch something on the other side of the tv, then they would be taken away from you - no you can't watch what you want, i'm watching the news! and just because you've dared to ask if you can watch something else, i'm going to take the portable tv out of your room so you can't even go and watch it up there either - they might as well have got them from radio rentals - they'd have saved a fortune, the amount of time we actually got to use them !!!
i remember once i actually tried to argue the point as dad was taking my tv from my room and followed him downstairs to reason that he should put it back to keep me out of his way - and he knocked me to the floor and kicked me through the house (lovely open plan property - very 70's) to the hallway then all the way up the stairs into my bedroom
when i left school - my dream was to go to drama school - the irony was, i didn't know such places existed until my mum went out of her way to find out about them - presenting me with a list of places i could audition for to fulfil my dream - then going out of her way to stop me doing just that
what a ridiculous idea - drama school! he's no good - he'll never get in anyway, they're really hard to get into
i did get in - amazingly - a little spark of hope that i might be good at something - but no, apparently not - this particular school was clearly just taking ANYBODY so there was no achievement in passing that audition - besides there were the fees - who's going to pay those? us? your parents? don't be so ridiculous - no no that's not what we think you should be doing
what should i be doing? going out and getting a job and paying us "keep"
did i mention yet, that my parents were really well off? not gentry, well off - but my dad had his own business and they did very well from it - so quite well off - certainly well off enough to buy my sister various different ponies and horses and cars and horse boxes and pay rent of fields for said ponies and horses - you see, THAT they approved off - horses - well it was fun going to those horse shoes wasn't it? plus some good deals to be made with some of those other business men who's daughters were equally enamoured of the hobby
(i'm not saying my sister didn't have her own problems with my parents - i know now that she did - but this isn't her blog is it? this is mine!)
anyway - they were more than able to pay tuition fees for me to go to college - but no, that's not what i was going to do with my life!
i'm fast forwarding a bit when i say i did eventually get to drama school - i went to manchester polytechnic school of theatre - one of the best acting courses in the country - but that was down to perseverance (having had to turn down two other places due to parent's not willing to pay) and the fact that i was lucky enough to get a full grant - one of the last few students in britain to benefit from that in fact!
i'm sure some of you will think i sound ungrateful and wonder why i think my parent's SHOULD'VE paid for that - as i was now 16 and to all intents and purposes, an adult
well - you can leave my blog now if you like, i won't be offended - i have very strong views about parenting - hence why (apart from being gay and never having wanted to go near a woman sexually) i've never had any desire to be a parent myself - i DO actually believe that if you have a child then your responsibility to that "child" is for the rest of its life - not just until you think they're old enough to cut them off - i think it is any child's right to expect support from their parents (at the very least) and anyone doesn't offer that and love, unconditionally , should never have become parents!!!
my mother fell pregnant at 16 - with me - and for all my childhood i remember being told "it's all your bloody fault" - and never actually finding out why until i was about 18
actually - it WASN'T my fault!! it was YOUR fault and my father's fault for not taking any precautions - or, given that it was the 1960's, not waiting til you were confident you could deal with the circumstances!!
i was just a curse - and that was made known to me at a very early age - and not until my mother died and he last words to me were "i love you" did i ever feel that i was anything other
i was 36 years old then - and pretty much, already scarred!
anyway - there are so many more horror stories of abuse and misery i could regale you with relating to my parents (like the time they went abroad on holiday for the first time - deciding that they wouldn't take "you kids" - "cos you'll just fight and spoil it for us"
we were left at home with our grandparents - and to work the summer in the shop, because my dad wouldn't leave it in the charge of anyone else - everyone was trying to "fiddle" him - actually thinking about it, running a local business at the age of 13 or so - i should put that on my CV - i could actually have been some kind of child prodigy !!
they went to Florida - to Disney World - the one place in the world ANY child would love to go - then came back to tell us how much we would've loved it there!!)
but for now - i'm going to give it a rest
a) because i don't want anyone reading this to think i'm a complete misery who just wallows in his past and never moves on
and b) because i'm sick of talking about them for now
i think that got a little bit out of my system - i'm sure there's more to come - but here's to a more cheery post next time !!
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
where to begin?
i'm ant!! you probably guessed that from the blog title
umm i have no idea how to start this - or even WHY i DECIDED to start this - i think it has to do with living alone (the cat's aren't much in the way of conversationalists) - well that's a start i guess: i live alone, i have two cats - i'm not a lesbian - i AM a gay man however (i wonder if the cat thing is somehow genetically connected to the gay thing!!)
i live alone through choice - mostly mine - but haven't found anyone who yet chose to live with me, so i guess it's not ONLY my choice
have just booked and paid for a flight to gran canaria in 5 weeks time - it was the worst thing i ever did, getting this laptop - everything is literally in my lap - i get bored and i buy things - books on ebay - takeaways - holidays (this is the 3rd out of 4 booked already this year)
the last couple of years had been pretty crap for me, so i decided that this was the year i made the most of my life and started enjoying myself - it's funny though how people have different ideas of what enjoying life is - it turns out that i'm mostly enjoying myself when i'm sat watching tv and eating - MOSTLY eating alas - but that's a disorder for another day!!!
anyway - where was i? oh yes - crap - i've had my fair share lately - put sort of feel like i've had an epiphany because of it - so ultimately that's a good thing right
i was diagnosed HIV positive the day after my birthday (14th july) in 2008 - it didn't really come as a great surprise -i'd always had a pretty wreckless attitude towards sex, so i'd've been more surprised if my test results had come back negative - my promiscuity isn't something i'm particularly proud of, but then neither am i ashamed of it - i've had some fun (i've had some fairly nightmarish times too, but the less said about those the better.......for now)
what did surprise me, however, was my reaction to it all
i had never had a HIV test - i'd always been too scared of the result - i'm of an age (perhaps i SHOULD tell you that - i'm 46) where i remember the beginning of the AIDS "epidemic" and the fear it generated - the ad's on tv and billboards stating in no uncertain terms: you catch it! you die!
and as a young, sexually active man i was extremely careful - nobody got over my threshhold without a condom already in place!
one of the things that happened then and still happens now actually - is people suddenly felt it was ok to patronise you as a gay man, in the name of concern
i've lost count of the amount of straight (usually women) people who would say "enjoy yourself, but be careful" - with a very "sad" tinge to their tone
now - i AM a bit of a cynic, i admit that - and i can be a little insensitive sometimes, but i always wanted to turn round to those people and ask them, "why??? why should I be careful? are you careful? do you ever think that you HAVE to be careful? and what are you suggesting about me, that makes you feel you have to give me that advice anyway?
have you any idea how utterly homophobic that makes you? yes of course you love me, of course ALL of your friends are gay and of course you care what happens to me - but the mere assumption that i'm going to go out and get AIDS means you see this as a primarily gay disease and you think i'm just the kind of slut that would get it!"
well ok, i DID get it - but you see my point?
it incensed me
as i got older i was less careful - i don't think it was a conscious decison to take more risks, it just kind of happened
my mother died of ovarian cancer in 1999 - she was 52 years old - it was devastating
mum and me fought like cat and dog all of our lives together, but when she died i felt like a part of me had been ripped away - although i'd give anything for her not to have died, i at least have the knowledge that in the few months leading up to her death we made peace with each other - and her last words to me were "i love you"
shortly after that - and i can only guess now, in hindsight, that the two things were somehow, subconsciously connected - i went out and tried ecstacy for the first time - i was with friends i'd known for years and felt safe and in a very special environment - manchester mardi gras 1999 (actually on the cobbles of coronation street!!!) - as a young man i'd been very anti-drugs - my experience of them having been limited to their portrayal on "prisoner cell block h" (i did SAY i was a gay man!!!)
i had an amazing time - i'd always hated night clubs and dance music - they were loud and noisey and everyone was sweaty and untalkative - but it was like someone had suddenly let me in on the secret - i got it!! and it was great
well of course - i got into clubbing - going out and having a good time - taking pills - dancing - taking more pills - more dancing - and it wasn't long before i experienced sex on ecstacy ! I think really, that's what hooked me, more than anything, to the drug culture - not the dancing and the socialising, but the seamier side of it - taking drugs and losing your inhibitions and doing things you wouldn't normally dream of doing, but enjoying it anyway !!
can i just say at this point? that i'm not in anyway promoting the use of recreational drugs nor condoning it - i'm merely talking about my experience of it
ok, back to having sex on drugs - yes, it was incredible - and somewhere along the line my desire to take precautions just completely left me - now i will say that i knew exactly what i was doing - i'm not one of those people who blames all their mistakes on drugs and not being in control - i WAS in control - but i guess the control i was in, was effected BY the drug taking - all of this was my choice however
i decided to go for an HIV test in 2008 because i figured that NOW it could be treated - i knew that if i was HIV positive it was still going to be something i'd have for the rest of my life, but i felt more able to deal with that knowing that there were so many new drug treatments available now
my first reaction to the result was one of complacency - the health advisor at my clinic was lovely - and i'd already told her prior to the test that i was expecting the result to be positive - i just asked what i needed to do next and had a really good chat with her before going home
i went to work the next day - in fact i carried on going into work for the next fortnight - then one evening as i was sat watching tv - it was as if this huge realisation dawned on me and a great cloud of depression came down
that thing that'd been all over the tv and billboards in the 1980's, that thing that had killed rock hudson and freddie mercury, that thing they'd made all those plays and movies about - i HAD that thing
and i cried - and cried - i went into work the next day thinking that the feeling would pass (after all, it'd been expecting it hadn't i?), but found i couldn't concentrate at all - the ONLY thought going through my head was "you have AIDS! you have AIDS!
i had to go home - in fact, for the next 2 months, the foremost thing in my mind was that i was HIV positive !!
i deal with that fact fine now, but it took some getting to this point
taking the time off work was just the start of my hellish couple of years (well i guess the diagnosis was really the start of it, but i wasn't prepared for the fallout that came after that)
i've got to head off now - i'm actually quite tired and i've got this subliminal weight loss mp3 thing that i want to try - remember way back at the beginning of this blurb i said i'd booked a flight to gran canaria?? i have five weeks (ONLY FIVE WEEKS) to make myself slim and beautiful - oh god i always set myself up for a fall - but i'll be back on here with more tales of woe and the suchlike - and somewhere in the midst of those i'll fill you in with my progress (fatwise !!)
good night for now - whoever may be out there x
umm i have no idea how to start this - or even WHY i DECIDED to start this - i think it has to do with living alone (the cat's aren't much in the way of conversationalists) - well that's a start i guess: i live alone, i have two cats - i'm not a lesbian - i AM a gay man however (i wonder if the cat thing is somehow genetically connected to the gay thing!!)
i live alone through choice - mostly mine - but haven't found anyone who yet chose to live with me, so i guess it's not ONLY my choice
have just booked and paid for a flight to gran canaria in 5 weeks time - it was the worst thing i ever did, getting this laptop - everything is literally in my lap - i get bored and i buy things - books on ebay - takeaways - holidays (this is the 3rd out of 4 booked already this year)
the last couple of years had been pretty crap for me, so i decided that this was the year i made the most of my life and started enjoying myself - it's funny though how people have different ideas of what enjoying life is - it turns out that i'm mostly enjoying myself when i'm sat watching tv and eating - MOSTLY eating alas - but that's a disorder for another day!!!
anyway - where was i? oh yes - crap - i've had my fair share lately - put sort of feel like i've had an epiphany because of it - so ultimately that's a good thing right
i was diagnosed HIV positive the day after my birthday (14th july) in 2008 - it didn't really come as a great surprise -i'd always had a pretty wreckless attitude towards sex, so i'd've been more surprised if my test results had come back negative - my promiscuity isn't something i'm particularly proud of, but then neither am i ashamed of it - i've had some fun (i've had some fairly nightmarish times too, but the less said about those the better.......for now)
what did surprise me, however, was my reaction to it all
i had never had a HIV test - i'd always been too scared of the result - i'm of an age (perhaps i SHOULD tell you that - i'm 46) where i remember the beginning of the AIDS "epidemic" and the fear it generated - the ad's on tv and billboards stating in no uncertain terms: you catch it! you die!
and as a young, sexually active man i was extremely careful - nobody got over my threshhold without a condom already in place!
one of the things that happened then and still happens now actually - is people suddenly felt it was ok to patronise you as a gay man, in the name of concern
i've lost count of the amount of straight (usually women) people who would say "enjoy yourself, but be careful" - with a very "sad" tinge to their tone
now - i AM a bit of a cynic, i admit that - and i can be a little insensitive sometimes, but i always wanted to turn round to those people and ask them, "why??? why should I be careful? are you careful? do you ever think that you HAVE to be careful? and what are you suggesting about me, that makes you feel you have to give me that advice anyway?
have you any idea how utterly homophobic that makes you? yes of course you love me, of course ALL of your friends are gay and of course you care what happens to me - but the mere assumption that i'm going to go out and get AIDS means you see this as a primarily gay disease and you think i'm just the kind of slut that would get it!"
well ok, i DID get it - but you see my point?
it incensed me
as i got older i was less careful - i don't think it was a conscious decison to take more risks, it just kind of happened
my mother died of ovarian cancer in 1999 - she was 52 years old - it was devastating
mum and me fought like cat and dog all of our lives together, but when she died i felt like a part of me had been ripped away - although i'd give anything for her not to have died, i at least have the knowledge that in the few months leading up to her death we made peace with each other - and her last words to me were "i love you"
shortly after that - and i can only guess now, in hindsight, that the two things were somehow, subconsciously connected - i went out and tried ecstacy for the first time - i was with friends i'd known for years and felt safe and in a very special environment - manchester mardi gras 1999 (actually on the cobbles of coronation street!!!) - as a young man i'd been very anti-drugs - my experience of them having been limited to their portrayal on "prisoner cell block h" (i did SAY i was a gay man!!!)
i had an amazing time - i'd always hated night clubs and dance music - they were loud and noisey and everyone was sweaty and untalkative - but it was like someone had suddenly let me in on the secret - i got it!! and it was great
well of course - i got into clubbing - going out and having a good time - taking pills - dancing - taking more pills - more dancing - and it wasn't long before i experienced sex on ecstacy ! I think really, that's what hooked me, more than anything, to the drug culture - not the dancing and the socialising, but the seamier side of it - taking drugs and losing your inhibitions and doing things you wouldn't normally dream of doing, but enjoying it anyway !!
can i just say at this point? that i'm not in anyway promoting the use of recreational drugs nor condoning it - i'm merely talking about my experience of it
ok, back to having sex on drugs - yes, it was incredible - and somewhere along the line my desire to take precautions just completely left me - now i will say that i knew exactly what i was doing - i'm not one of those people who blames all their mistakes on drugs and not being in control - i WAS in control - but i guess the control i was in, was effected BY the drug taking - all of this was my choice however
i decided to go for an HIV test in 2008 because i figured that NOW it could be treated - i knew that if i was HIV positive it was still going to be something i'd have for the rest of my life, but i felt more able to deal with that knowing that there were so many new drug treatments available now
my first reaction to the result was one of complacency - the health advisor at my clinic was lovely - and i'd already told her prior to the test that i was expecting the result to be positive - i just asked what i needed to do next and had a really good chat with her before going home
i went to work the next day - in fact i carried on going into work for the next fortnight - then one evening as i was sat watching tv - it was as if this huge realisation dawned on me and a great cloud of depression came down
that thing that'd been all over the tv and billboards in the 1980's, that thing that had killed rock hudson and freddie mercury, that thing they'd made all those plays and movies about - i HAD that thing
and i cried - and cried - i went into work the next day thinking that the feeling would pass (after all, it'd been expecting it hadn't i?), but found i couldn't concentrate at all - the ONLY thought going through my head was "you have AIDS! you have AIDS!
i had to go home - in fact, for the next 2 months, the foremost thing in my mind was that i was HIV positive !!
i deal with that fact fine now, but it took some getting to this point
taking the time off work was just the start of my hellish couple of years (well i guess the diagnosis was really the start of it, but i wasn't prepared for the fallout that came after that)
i've got to head off now - i'm actually quite tired and i've got this subliminal weight loss mp3 thing that i want to try - remember way back at the beginning of this blurb i said i'd booked a flight to gran canaria?? i have five weeks (ONLY FIVE WEEKS) to make myself slim and beautiful - oh god i always set myself up for a fall - but i'll be back on here with more tales of woe and the suchlike - and somewhere in the midst of those i'll fill you in with my progress (fatwise !!)
good night for now - whoever may be out there x
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