where to begin?

i'm ant!! you probably guessed that from the blog title





umm i have no idea how to start this - or even WHY i DECIDED to start this - i think it has to do with living alone (the cat's aren't much in the way of conversationalists) - well that's a start i guess: i live alone, i have two cats - i'm not a lesbian - i AM a gay man however (i wonder if the cat thing is somehow genetically connected to the gay thing!!)





i live alone through choice - mostly mine - but haven't found anyone who yet chose to live with me, so i guess it's not ONLY my choice





have just booked and paid for a flight to gran canaria in 5 weeks time - it was the worst thing i ever did, getting this laptop - everything is literally in my lap - i get bored and i buy things - books on ebay - takeaways - holidays (this is the 3rd out of 4 booked already this year)





the last couple of years had been pretty crap for me, so i decided that this was the year i made the most of my life and started enjoying myself - it's funny though how people have different ideas of what enjoying life is - it turns out that i'm mostly enjoying myself when i'm sat watching tv and eating - MOSTLY eating alas - but that's a disorder for another day!!!





anyway - where was i? oh yes - crap - i've had my fair share lately - put sort of feel like i've had an epiphany because of it - so ultimately that's a good thing right





i was diagnosed HIV positive the day after my birthday (14th july) in 2008 - it didn't really come as a great surprise -i'd always had a pretty wreckless attitude towards sex, so i'd've been more surprised if my test results had come back negative - my promiscuity isn't something i'm particularly proud of, but then neither am i ashamed of it - i've had some fun (i've had some fairly nightmarish times too, but the less said about those the better.......for now)





what did surprise me, however, was my reaction to it all





i had never had a HIV test - i'd always been too scared of the result - i'm of an age (perhaps i SHOULD tell you that - i'm 46) where i remember the beginning of the AIDS "epidemic" and the fear it generated - the ad's on tv and billboards stating in no uncertain terms: you catch it! you die!





and as a young, sexually active man i was extremely careful - nobody got over my threshhold without a condom already in place!





one of the things that happened then and still happens now actually - is people suddenly felt it was ok to patronise you as a gay man, in the name of concern





i've lost count of the amount of straight (usually women) people who would say "enjoy yourself, but be careful" - with a very "sad" tinge to their tone





now - i AM a bit of a cynic, i admit that - and i can be a little insensitive sometimes, but i always wanted to turn round to those people and ask them, "why??? why should I be careful? are you careful? do you ever think that you HAVE to be careful? and what are you suggesting about me, that makes you feel you have to give me that advice anyway?


have you any idea how utterly homophobic that makes you? yes of course you love me, of course ALL of your friends are gay and of course you care what happens to me - but the mere assumption that i'm going to go out and get AIDS means you see this as a primarily gay disease and you think i'm just the kind of slut that would get it!"





well ok, i DID get it - but you see my point?





it incensed me





as i got older i was less careful - i don't think it was a conscious decison to take more risks, it just kind of happened





my mother died of ovarian cancer in 1999 - she was 52 years old - it was devastating





mum and me fought like cat and dog all of our lives together, but when she died i felt like a part of me had been ripped away - although i'd give anything for her not to have died, i at least have the knowledge that in the few months leading up to her death we made peace with each other - and her last words to me were "i love you"





shortly after that - and i can only guess now, in hindsight, that the two things were somehow, subconsciously connected - i went out and tried ecstacy for the first time - i was with friends i'd known for years and felt safe and in a very special environment - manchester mardi gras 1999 (actually on the cobbles of coronation street!!!) - as a young man i'd been very anti-drugs - my experience of them having been limited to their portrayal on "prisoner cell block h" (i did SAY i was a gay man!!!)





i had an amazing time - i'd always hated night clubs and dance music - they were loud and noisey and everyone was sweaty and untalkative - but it was like someone had suddenly let me in on the secret - i got it!! and it was great





well of course - i got into clubbing - going out and having a good time - taking pills - dancing - taking more pills - more dancing - and it wasn't long before i experienced sex on ecstacy ! I think really, that's what hooked me, more than anything, to the drug culture - not the dancing and the socialising, but the seamier side of it - taking drugs and losing your inhibitions and doing things you wouldn't normally dream of doing, but enjoying it anyway !!





can i just say at this point? that i'm not in anyway promoting the use of recreational drugs nor condoning it - i'm merely talking about my experience of it





ok, back to having sex on drugs - yes, it was incredible - and somewhere along the line my desire to take precautions just completely left me - now i will say that i knew exactly what i was doing - i'm not one of those people who blames all their mistakes on drugs and not being in control - i WAS in control - but i guess the control i was in, was effected BY the drug taking - all of this was my choice however





i decided to go for an HIV test in 2008 because i figured that NOW it could be treated - i knew that if i was HIV positive it was still going to be something i'd have for the rest of my life, but i felt more able to deal with that knowing that there were so many new drug treatments available now





my first reaction to the result was one of complacency - the health advisor at my clinic was lovely - and i'd already told her prior to the test that i was expecting the result to be positive - i just asked what i needed to do next and had a really good chat with her before going home





i went to work the next day - in fact i carried on going into work for the next fortnight - then one evening as i was sat watching tv - it was as if this huge realisation dawned on me and a great cloud of depression came down





that thing that'd been all over the tv and billboards in the 1980's, that thing that had killed rock hudson and freddie mercury, that thing they'd made all those plays and movies about - i HAD that thing





and i cried - and cried - i went into work the next day thinking that the feeling would pass (after all, it'd been expecting it hadn't i?), but found i couldn't concentrate at all - the ONLY thought going through my head was "you have AIDS! you have AIDS!





i had to go home - in fact, for the next 2 months, the foremost thing in my mind was that i was HIV positive !!





i deal with that fact fine now, but it took some getting to this point





taking the time off work was just the start of my hellish couple of years (well i guess the diagnosis was really the start of it, but i wasn't prepared for the fallout that came after that)





i've got to head off now - i'm actually quite tired and i've got this subliminal weight loss mp3 thing that i want to try - remember way back at the beginning of this blurb i said i'd booked a flight to gran canaria?? i have five weeks (ONLY FIVE WEEKS) to make myself slim and beautiful - oh god i always set myself up for a fall - but i'll be back on here with more tales of woe and the suchlike - and somewhere in the midst of those i'll fill you in with my progress (fatwise !!)





good night for now - whoever may be out there x